Courtney's Birth Story

April 3, 2009

Dear Heidi,

Thank you so much for your support before, during and after Chas’s birth. Choosing you as our doula was one of the best decisions we made to insure that we had a positive birth experience. You were incredible and I won’t have another baby without you!

You arrived at the hospital so quickly after Donny called and told you that things were moving a lot faster than expected. I remember being so relieved when you walked into the labor and delivery room. I felt like it would all be okay. Things were moving fast, but our support team was in falling into place.

You helped to settle Donny and me into the process, and you were obviously poised and experienced. Your confidence in the labor and delivery room was indispensable. You helped to orchestrate all of the players and you served to be my ‘voice’ when I really couldn’t communicate effectively. I would have felt so isolated without you there telling everyone what I couldn’t.

Finally, thank you for the brilliant counting technique you used during the contractions. Having you count to 20 and then back down again helped me to know that the end of that contraction was coming. It provided me with something else to focus on beyond the pain.

As we talked about after Chas was born, I am so grateful for your decision to serve women and families in this way. You are excellent at what you do and Donny, Chas and I are so glad that you were able to support us through this process.

We will call you again in a year or two when Baby #2 is on the way!

With Gratitude,
Courtney, Donny and Chas

Bursting with Life - Zoe's Birth Story

Every once in a while, my clients find time in the midst of their new-parent whirlwind to write the story of their labor and birth. Here's one from Holly and Kyle, a precious couple who I had the pleasure of supporting recently. It's a little long, but worth the read.

ZOE'S BIRTH STORY (as told by Kyle)

Holly went into labor early on the morning of March 19th. She woke me up at 3:00 to say that she thought she was having rhythmic contractions. It turned out that they were coming about every twenty minutes. We decided to call our doula, Heidi Rau, to let her know that labor had begun. She told us to relax at home till the contractions were around 4 minutes apart. With our excitement, we decided to stay awake and rent a movie; Moulin Rouge. About halfway thru the movie, we decided to get some more sleep. Around 6:00 in the morning Holly woke up again with the contractions having increased in intensity slightly. By now, they were coming every 10 minutes or so. By 8:30 am, the contractions were coming every 4 to 5 minutes apart and we decided that it was time to get our things together and to head to Touro Infirmary. It was really exciting to think that our little Zoe was really going to be joining us soon, after all of the excitement and expectations over the last nine months. We took the car and headed to the hospital.

We parked and walked into the LDR at Touro and went to the nurses station. They checked us into LDR 4 and the nurse hooked Holly up to the monitors. Heidi got there a very short while after us and we watched some TV while we waited for the doctor to talk to the nurse. Heidi got us walking the hall and some stairs at the end of the hall. Holly did a bunch of bellydance stuff going up and down the stairs. It was funny to see her doing the dancing moves out of context like that, and in a hospital gown. The next few hours were passed walking the halls, sitting on the birthing ball, and generally just passing time in between contractions. During this whole thing, Heidi was helping Holly to keep moving about and trying different things so as to progress the labor as well as to reduce the pain of contractions. We were all in good spirits and spent much of the time lauging and joking around.

With everything that was being done, Holly went from being 4 cm dilated to 6 cm dilated in about two hours. About this time we started spending some time in the room because Holly’s contractions were getting more intense. We massaged her back for her during the contractions and helped her rest. Heidi knew exactly where to put pressure on Holly to relieve her aches and pains. At 5:30pm the nurse checked her dilation and found that she was only at 7 and her water had still not broken. Hearing this, Heidi told us that she had seen this many times before and that she thought the embryonic sac was cushioning Zoe and was more than likely what was preventing Holly from dilating further. She recommended that we have her water broke. The doctor came at 6:30 pm and agreed that her water needed to be broken so as to progress the labor. Once her water was broken, the contractions came on strong and Holly went into active labor.

When she was at 9cm Heidi had her kneel on the bed and rest her chest on the birthing ball so as to help get her to 10 cm and to encourage movement of a partial blockage of the cervix. There came a time when holly was having a very hard time getting thru the contractions and not pushing. To get thru this, Heidi recommended a breathing technique that would help her resist the urge to push before it was time. When Holly could not resist the urge to push any longer, Dr. Peret came in and Holly started actively pushing. Our little Zoe was born twenty minutes later.

Throughout this whole process Heidi’s presence was a comfort to both Holly and myself. She was very aware of what Holly was going through and made very good efforts to help holly not only deal with the pains of the contractions, but to also help progress the labor. I know that if we did not have Heidi there that Holly would have ended up on with an epidural to deal with the pain, and that she would have been in labor for much longer than she was. Our short time in the hospital for the labor was, for the majority of the time, a lot of fun, which was facilitated greatly by our Heidi and pain management techniques she had to offer. Heidi's presence there was also a great comfort for me, because we had someone there with us the whole time to help encourage us and generally help guide us thru the delivery process. I know that if Holly and I have another baby, we hope that Heidi will be available to help us again.

Grieving Birth

Many years ago, I sat in a restaurant with a woman who poured out her heart to me over the loss of her child to miscarriage. Miscarriages are common enough, a sad part of the real world for women. When we hear of such a loss, what is our reaction? Sympathy? Compassion? Sadness? Would we ever think to say that she should be happy? Or that she maybe wasn't pregnant in the first place? Sounds crude to even imagine such a reaction. Yet those were exactly the reactions this woman had dealt with.

You see, her miscarriage was different than most. She gave birth to a healthy child at around 40 weeks gestation. He's alive and well today. But she was originally pregnant with twins and one of them died much earlier in that pregnancy. The response from her family and friends was mixed. Some offered tentative condolences, not quite sure how to handle the fact that she was still obviously pregnant. Some congratulated her that she had a healthy baby. Some thought she was crazy to believe she had ever been pregnant with twins.

Regardless of what everyone else thought or how they responded, one thing was certain: this woman had lost a child and needed to grieve. But how and when does that occur? How does a woman grieve a death and celebrate a life all at the same time? It is complex. It is confusing. It is real. In this case, I believe it took years for her to feel free to fully embrace the pain of her loss. How many women are never given the permission to acknowledge that grief?

In our day of advanced technology, women learn so much sooner that they are pregnant. Miscarriages that would have gone completely unnoticed because they occur so early are now officially documented. I read somewhere that a high percentage of pregnancies actually begin as twins, yet in most of those cases only one of the babies survive to term. Add to that the frequent use of fertility treatments that result in higher numbers of multiples, and it is clear to see that there are many, many women facing the conflict between the emotions of life and death.

Having a living, healthy child does not diminish the pain of the death of that child's sibling. Ask any parent who has suffered the death of a child at any point in life. The fact that a child dies in utero and hasn't yet been held and kissed and touched only means that those longed-for moments are also lost.

Do you relate to this story? I encourage you to embrace the grief. Give yourself permission to feel it fully and allow yourself the time to heal.